Last week, I interviewed a financial planner. I need help figuring out whether I want to get a different type of retirement account for my business. (I’m legally required to provide myself a retirement account through my business in my state.)
At one point in the conversation she said: “We’re going to build a sandbox {of your investments} that I get to play in.”
That felt really icky and vulnerable to me. I felt sad after the appointment. I realized that I wasn’t comfortable surrendering any control over my money.
Even though these emotions totally make sense, I didn’t like that I felt so controlling and vulnerable in this conversation. When this happens, I bring the feelings to therapy.
During therapy, I realized that I’m used to go-go-going to navigate the need to make money. As a younger adult, any time I thought about what I would do if I needed money, the answer was always: I’ll just get another job!
In late 2020, I got really sick. I was hospitalized for five days, and aside from cancelling appointments, I didn’t work. I needed an additional two and a half weeks of recovery time to return to my full work week. (If we’re being honest, I needed more time than that, but I was too anxious to take more.)
~*Fortunately*~ this illness coincided with time I was already planning to take off over the holidays, so I’d saved up and wasn’t suffering as much as I would’ve been if I’d had to take three and a half unexpected weeks off. However, this experience shook me. It forced me to question the security I found in “I can always just work more!”
As I’ve healed my relationship trauma, I no longer need my work ethic to bolster my sense of self. I really enjoy aimless time where I follow my whims to rest or to take on the challenges I want to, rather than the ones that will earn me a pay check. And I simply have less energy than I used to.
At the same time, there is what feels like an ancient obsession with security that feels impossible to satiate under capitalism. I found myself judging someone’s mutual aid request this week and had to check that internalized oppression. Despite having done a lot of work to unlearn the toxic ways I’ve related to money. Despite wanting so badly to not feel obsessed about getting more money.
And I come from a really privileged place around money at this point in my life. I am really, really lucky that I get to work for myself for a reasonable amount of hours each week. I have a lot of freedom and agency in my livelihood.
It is wild to me that I —a person who has a decent amount of financial privilege and who has done a decent amount of work around unlearning internalized capitalism— is still feeling this obsessed/controlling/insecure/vulnerable/stressed around money.
And that’s why simply living under capitalism is traumatic. Because we can be doing nearly everything right and still have to reckon with the daily horrific reality of this abusive economic system.
So if you’re feeling tense around money, you’re not alone. If it’s feeling impossible to get ahead or like you’re one emergency away from financial ruin, there’s nothing wrong with you. Capitalism is designed to keep us stuck in these traps, in reality and in our minds if we’ve managed to escape the reality and engineer a bit of a cushion for ourselves.
Here are some ideas for getting some relief. You don’t have to engage with all of these. Pick the one that feels most accessible to you and start there:
Consider where you can gain some power, even if just a little bit, around your financial situation. For example: get a handle on your budget, ask for a raise, look for better-compensated work, learn new skills.
Get some friends together and organize a sou-sou to practice mutual aid.
Check out these resources: Privilege, Power, and Difference by Allan G. Johnson, Malaika Jabari talking about her book: It’s Not You, It’s Capitalism, Economics 4 Emancipation course, Bottom Lines Top Dollars podcast
Share about your worries/stresses/frustrations with safe folks who get it. We’re all going through this.
Remind yourself that living under capitalism is terrifying, and it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to grieve. Offer yourself compassion around the feelings. Try to take breaks from the fear & grief when you can. Lean into moments of ease or security.
Join Democratic Socialists of America who are organizing around alternatives to capitalism.
If you know of great organizations who are doing good work fighting capitalism or other anti-capitalist resources, please share in the comments so we can engage as we have energy & time.
Reflection Questions:
How have you been relating to money lately?
What might help you feel (even just a little bit) financially secure?
Try to imagine a future where capitalism doesn’t exist. What would that be like? How would you feel? What would you do? Is there one way to get just a little bit closer to that this week?
Tarot Spread:
To use this spread:
Shuffle your Tarot or oracle cards, setting the intention to explore the theme. Lay out three cards, left to right, as shown in the diagram. Starting with the card on the left, flip your cards over. Interpret each card based on the intention set for each card. Reflect on the guidance you’ve received.
Get Your ROAR Logo Tee!
It feels a little weird to be selling something in a post that’s so ardently anti-capitalist, but then I remember that money and selling existed before capitalism. Money is simply a tool for exchanging value. And it feels pretty cool to invite folks to contribute to my business and to receive your support in this way. So if you’d like to, you can rep ROAR Healing Co. with a logo tee.
Oh my gosh, my relationship with money is a nonsensical mess. I'm a physician (so at least as of now I have plenty of money), but I'm the breadwinner for our family and some extended family as well. I feel trapped by that role and by our financial commitments, so I desperately want to leave medicine but feel like I need a really clear cut financial plan to do it.
We feel it from Europe, too. People in the EU should look into engaging with Diem25, or with the Socialist Workers Party in the U.K., among others. Another way of living is not only possible, it is essential.