Black and White and Traumatized All Over
how black and white thinking can be a result of trauma and what to do about it + other shenanigans
Dear Reader,
This letter got really long! I’ve tried to use emojis, headings, and dividers to help you find what you’re most interested in. Here’s what to expect:
🔳 Thoughts on Black and White Thinking and What to do About It
🍉 Resources for Processing Palestinian Genocide
🤦🏻♀️ A few thoughts on the IVF ruling in Alabama and Reproductive Justice
👾 Inspiration Station: resources I’ve been inspired by lately
🌿 Your Healing Not-Good-Enoughness Ritual Planner (email me if you want this)
🐅 Up Next In the ROAR Community (including a poll that’ll be up for 1 week: please help me decide what resource to develop next!)
Let’s dive in:
When I’m working with someone one-on-one, I am always paying attention for evidence of black and white thinking:
“He always does that.”
“I’ll never find my ideal relationship.”
“I’m worthless.”
“Men/Women/Republicans are terrible.”
These thoughts often point to some kind of interpersonal or systemic wound. Black and white thinking is our psyche’s attempt to protect us from hurt and often, shame. After all:
if it’s all his fault, I don’t have to acknowledge my role in the dynamic, which might cause me to be ashamed of my behavior.
if I’ll never get what I’m looking for, I’ll be less disappointed that it doesn’t happen. I’ll protect myself from the vulnerability and inevitable embarrassment of putting myself out there.
if I know I’m worthless, it’ll hurt less when other people say that about me.
if large groups of other people are awful, I know who to avoid. And I feel better about myself because I’m part of the “good” group.
Black and white thinking helps our brains cope with trauma by providing a false sense of safety. It often starts when we’re young and our brains haven’t formed enough to be able to process more nuanced thought. Kindergarteners can tell you who the “good” and “bad” kids in the class are. This thinking simplifies a complex, confusing, and chaotic world. It limits possibility and clearly delineates what is “right” and “good.” It provides a prescription of behavior and belief that insulates us from shame, as long as we can stick with the behavior and belief that’s “right.” Our puritanical, capitalist, White Supremacist culture doubles down and reinforces our sense of which behavior, beliefs, and people are “good” and “bad.”
Marika Heinrichs writes in The EuroChristian Roots of the Genocide in Gaza: A Letter to My Kin
As social animals who have evolved to survive in groups, when we find ourselves in a culture where things can only be “Good” or “Evil”, we inevitably learn to do what is necessary to preserve our sense of goodness to ensure that we will belong. This is wired into us as a survival instinct, we will do what must to stay connected to the collective, so inside of punitive and binary cultures, our belonging is always precarious and dependent on how well we are able to conform. Despite our suffering inside of these conditions, we often continue to recreate them inside of our communities and movements with a heartbreaking efficiency.
Adding Gray
Though black and white thinking is easy and comforting, it doesn’t age well. Our reality is much more nuanced than our traumatized brains would like us to believe. Most of us have to unlearn a lot of black and white conditioning in order to truly be well. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a type of therapy that’s often helpful for complex trauma, is all about finding the middle way between two extremes. This is also a central aspect of Buddhist philosophy. To be more healed is to be able to hold the both/and of a situation:
“He often does a thing that annoys me, and I annoy him, too, sometimes. Both of us deserve love and respect.”
“It might be difficult and uncomfortable, and if I keep putting myself out there, I can find my ideal relationship.”
“I’ve often felt worthless, and I know that all human beings are worthy of love and care.”
“Folks from all political parties are doing what they think is right. The two-party system and too much corporate influence in politics is really what deserves our critique.”
It can be really tough to stay in this both/and place. So much of our programming and culture wants us to stay in the black and white.
Tips for More Nuanced Thinking
If you’d like to work on shifting away from black and white thinking toward both/and thinking, here are a few ideas:
Take inventory of your thoughts:
Some words (always, never, all, nobody, everybody, good, bad, right, wrong), sweeping generalizations of large groups of people, and blanket characterizations of behavior tend to indicate black and white thinking
You can’t shift something you’re not aware of, so start here if you want to make changes in your thinking.
It might help to ask friends/family/your therapist to help you notice this.
Get curious. When you notice yourself in black and white thinking, ask yourself a few questions:
What purpose does this thinking serve?
Is there some shame under this?
How is this thinking helping me feel safe? What am I afraid of right now?
What memories come to mind when I think this way?
If you know you have trauma, especially complex trauma or relationship trauma, work on healing your trauma.
Identify the places in your life where you feel not-good-enough and the beliefs you have about yourself around your not-good-enoughness. Address the roots of these beliefs.
As often as possible, remind yourself that the systems, not individual people or even groups of people are responsible for the worst bits of society. Other people aren’t the enemy, the systems are.
Read articles and info from sources that explore nuance. Apply the filter above to the media you consume. Avoid or be skeptical of media that is often black-and-white.
What helps you get out of black-and-white and into the gray?
🍉 Resources: Palestinian Genocide
There’s been a ton of black-and-white around what is happening in Gaza now. Palestinians are being murdered en-masse. That is horrendous, and there is a complex history here. White supremacy and colonialism are the forces we need to be critiquing. I really appreciated Marika’s analysis, linked above.
And here are few other resources that have been helpful:
BDS Movement is a Palestinian-led advocacy group that is calling for several actions including a boycott of some Israeli companies.
Gaza is Palestine Songbook includes prayers, poems, and protest songs from recent actions. I felt a place for grief and hope in these lines.
🤦🏻♀️ IVF, Alabama & Reproductive Justice
When I was a junior in high school and full of forced-birth indoctrination, I gave a 10-minute speech on why abortion should be illegal as a persuasive reasoning assignment for English class. In my research for that assignment, I learned that during the IVF process, many embryos are created and never used. Unused embryos are discarded. After one of my research spurts, I told the librarian that IVF should also be illegal. After all, if the idea is that we’re protecting human life, why would any practice that makes a bunch of “babies” and then throws them away be legal?
Apparently a judge on the Alabama Supreme Court had similar thoughts when he ruled that the embryos who are created during the IVF process are “children” and folks who destroy them can be prosecuted for wrongful death.
Part of the reason why I know abortion regulation isn’t actually about “protecting the sanctity of life” is because SO MANY folks who are “pro-life” also have no qualms with IVF. Making abortion inaccessible is about controlling uteruses and the bodies of folks who have them. Not about protecting human life.
I lol’ed from frustration when I heard Presidential-hopeful, Nikki Haley dialing back her initial support of the ruling with these comments:
“Just because I think embryos are babies doesn't mean everybody else thinks embryos are babies…When you're going through something that hard, you don't want government telling you anything else to get in the way of that conversation. That's between the doctor and the parents who have to decide it. It's very personal.”
Is your blood boiling from the hypocrisy? If a Democrat said this, wouldn’t we assume she’s defending abortion access?
If you’re feeling a bit confused about this double standard, my therapist friend, Jeremy, who writes an excellent Substack, called Make Men Emotional Again, wrote this week about how abortion restrictions serve the interests of capitalism:
All humans should have full autonomy over what happens inside their bodies. Abortion is healthcare. IVF is a beautiful way for folks to become parents. Why does government have ANY say over these decisions?
I’d love to hear your thoughts or rages in the comments.
👾 Inspiration Station
This YouTube video is the BEST explanation of how trauma gets trapped in the body that I’ve heard. It’s long, and you can listen while you do another task.
I’m excited to try this Tarot spread for guidance about what projects I should give energy to.
I LOVE it when Western science 1) realizes its mistakes and 2) supports non-Western healing traditions and modalities. If you do too, you’ll love this episode of Radio Lab that provides a possible explanation for the channels of qi in Traditional Chinese Medicine.
My business buddy, Moss, is raising money to become a breathwork teacher and healer. If you have a few dollars to spare, they’ll be well-spent.
Equitable Care Certification is the only certification program that helps therapists learn how to support sex workers’ healing. They’re raising money to re-vamp their curriculum and reach more therapists.
🌿 Your Healing Not-Good-Enoughness Ritual Planner
For a few years, I’ve lead a workshop called Healing Not-Good-Enoughness: A Ritual at Anahata’s Purpose, an alcohol-free healing/wellness/summer camp retreat for adults. (Tickets for 2024 are on sale now!)
I created a planner based on this workshop that will help you plan your OWN Healing Not-Good-Enoughness Ritual. It’s a beautiful fillable or printable PDF that will help you think through your ritual from the esoteric workings to the practical details, making it more likely that you’ll actually do the thing.
Moving forward, everyone who subscribes to this newsletter will get access to both versions of the Planner as a thank you.
BUT! many of you were here before I set that up, so if you’d like to get the Planner, please reply to this email, and I’ll send it to you.
🐅 Up Next & Help Me Decide What To Make!
Y’all! I have decided that I’m going to start paywalling some content here. I like the reciprocity of some bonus stuff for folks who are supporting this work financially: behind-the-scenes context, business ramblings, less healing-specific projects and thoughts, etc.
I’m working on a memoir about the relationship trauma (& healing) in my marriage (& since my divorce). I’d like to share some of those chapters with y’all. Some of them will be paywalled.
Inspired by the Planner, I’m thinking about developing a paid offering to help folks heal not-good-enoughness. It would share some of the best knowledge, skills, tools, and tips from my one-on-one therapy work with y’all.
Are there other formats or topics you’d like to see? Hit reply and let me know, or:
Thanks for the re-stack! (I’m still learning how to Substack and don’t 100% understand what this means. And I appreciate that you’re sharing my work with your community over here!!)